Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Bums and Beggars
I just went to the local supermarket here in South Beach Miami to get some milk and orange juice - big 2 liter bottles of course, nothing smaller here.
As I left the shop some bum muttered 'lend me a dollar?'
I mumbled 'no' and kept walking.
He seemed to be complaining as I continued, 'It's only a dollar!'
Actually it wasn't the size of the loan that stopped me from donating.
It was the word 'lend'.
Next time I'll ask him if he knows what 'lend' means.
This place is full of Cubans, other latinos, and Americans, so I don't expect any of them to understand English properly.
But I would be a lot happier if these ubiquitous beggars would frame their requests in a more honest fashion.
"Give me a dollar please", or "Could I permanently borrow a dollar", or "Lend me a dollar and I'll pay you back if I win the lottery".
At least they could inject a little humor into their cadging.
That way they would be giving something back, rather than just taking.
I don't think a beggar has earned his dollar if he just blandly asks for it with the lie that it's a loan, and then harasses me for not obliging.
My friend Marc in Amsterdam was approached by a well dressed businessman in his local car park. The man asked for a Euro for a phone call, because his car wouldn't start. Marc happily handed over a Euro. Then he told me how upset he was when the same man, dressed the same, asked him the same question a week later! He shouted at the man to go away.
I thought how strange, to be happy to hand over a euro to someone who seems to be a well-to-do businessman, but angry to find that the money went to a beggar. Giving to a kinsman seems worthwhile, but not to a lower form of life. Or maybe just the deception riled him.
A direct and honest request might indeed be better, "Please give me a euro because then I'll have 13 in my pocket, so I'll be able to buy a gram of finest Afghani hash when I get to 15." I saw someone with that approach in Miami actually, with a sign saying 'please donate beer money'.
Or even better they could do something entertaining or amusing for their dollar.
When I was at high school a Canadian kid and his agent used to gather a crowd at lunchtime, and then charge each spectator 20c to watch him eat a worm or a frog or some other disgusting snack. A 'geek' was the old term for such an entertainer.
That may not be everyone's cup of tea, but something amusing or entertaining is at least a return on investment.
The beggar could simply stand with a cup and a sign that says "Give me a dollar and I'll dance". Similar to those human statues hanging around every tourist spot that move when you drop a coin in their cup, but without the costume. I'm sure people would be curious to see how the beggar dances in his unconcealed glory. That would be a far healthier way of life than lying on the footpath trying to assume the appearance of a broken down person. Such physical postures create the very state they imitate - if you slump in a posture of hopeless despair you will surely feel that way after a few hours, even if you're perfectly happy now. Try it. After a few years of repetition the whole person becomes the epitome of despair.
A basic dance can be very amusing, entertaining, and sometimes embarrassing. Once at Southbank in London I watched someone looking very professional in a colorful stage setting by the Thames, wearing a top hat and full costume, doing a silly take-off of rap singing in a toffy voice. To his extreme chagrin he was completely upstaged by an apparently retarded person dancing right in front of him. It was very funny and uncomfortable to watch, so the audience was transfixed on the interloper rather than the main act.
I have often thought it could be lucrative to set up in front of a musician busker. Put the hat on the ground, and dance to the music. The musician might resent you for stealing his thunder, and takings, but the footpath is public property. Even the worst dancer can be very entertaining if he is embarrassing enough. The films Borat and Bruno were so funny partly because they are so uncomfortable to watch.
In summary, if someone makes me laugh then I think he has earned his dollar.
So why don't these lazy beggars come up with some funny one-liners that would extract a laugh - and a coin - from their victims?
"Hey buddy I need to go to the toilet, can you give me 50c? Or give me 2 dollars and for delivery to the place of your choice."
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Buying a house in Holland
Many things are difficult and tedious in Holland, like getting utilities connected, internet connection fixed, and immigration issues.
But buying a house is one thing that is easy.
The main factor that greases the wheels is that everyone involved makes money out of the transaction so they are motivated to make it happen.
All you need to do is choose the house. This is fairly simple by searching on Funda.nl. You can specify your price range and postcode, number of rooms and various other options to limit the search. There are a few house related words to learn such as slaapkamer (bedroom), woonkamer (living room), zolder (attic), trap (stairs), badkamer (bathroom), tuin (garden).
You can also get the latest houses that are listed for sale sent to your email, via another website, iblue.nl.
When you see a house you like, simply call the makelaar (real estate agent) and the wheels will be set in motion. The makelaar always knows a mortgage (hypotheek) advisor. They are a fairly generic breed, like tax agents, but there are a few sharks. You need to choose the type of mortgage, usually half interest only and half investment loan, where part of the payment goes into a savings account. A five or ten year fixed interest term is also an option, but some say the variable rate always works out best.
You generally lose up to 1% of the cost of the house as a fee that is shared by the bank and the mortgage advisor. You can sometimes trim this down to 0.5% or so by bargaining or dealing direct with a bank. Other costs are 6% stamp duty, and the notary fee, which should be about €1500. You need to call a few notaries to get a decent price. The total extra costs should be about 8%.
One ludicrous feature of the Dutch market is that makelaars sell their services as a 'buying agent', to hunt down the property of your dreams, inspect the faults and negotiate the price. For this service they take another fat 1%. This custom must have evolved pre-internet, because now you would need to be chronically lazy or technically retarded to pay 2000+ euros for someone to search on Funda for you.
Selling agents are in my experience fairly honest and straightforward, unlike their counterparts in Australia and UK. Perhaps in keeping with the Dutch ideal of minimalist service, they don't really try to sell you the house, but just show up for appointments to show you houses and then wait for you to call. In this case there is a lot to be said for Dutch service. It seems they are not hungry, since they rarely work after 5 PM or on weekends. This can make it hard to inspect houses if you also work 9 to 5.
Bargaining the price is simply a matter of making a low starting offer. The sale price will invariably settle somewhere near the middle of the asking price and your first offer. There are usually about six or 8 offers and counter offers. A ten percent discount off the advertised price is normal. It helps to check the price of similar houses in the neighbourhood.
You need to supply your latest three payslips, or if you are not a permanent employee you need to show 3 years of tax declarations ('aangiftes') which shows all the details submitted for your tax return. The mortgage advisor should get the mortgage approved within about 5 weeks.
Interest rates vary between the numerous lending organisations, and some have fees for ending the mortgage when you sell the house, or bigger commissions for the agent, or a monthly 'service cost' on the mortgage, which effectively changes the rate significantly, so you need to ask the agent about all these. The mortgage insurance is another area where the mortgage advisor will rip you off if he can, so ask how much of that insurance he gets.
Most houses in Holland are 'one in a row', something like a terrace house in Australia or UK. They are usually 3 floors, with the attic often unrenovated and used as a storage area. Some have dormer windows (dakkapels) in the attic, which increases the size of the liveable space. I have two dakkapels in my current attic, enough room for a table tennis table, which was lowered by crane when they built the windows. Impossible to remove without destroying the table.
Laminate is the most popular floor covering these days, and 'off the floor' toilets are considered so highly that house photos often include a picture proudly displaying an off the floor toilet. Most houses are painted white inside, because of the generally held belief that white makes the house look bigger. This is important when you are working with houses of around 120 square meters, about half the average size of an Australian house.
Sometimes houses in Holland are sold or rented completely bare, except for the fittings that can't be prised off the wall. Even the floor coverings are sometimes removed. Unless you have strong opinions about what objects should fill a house, I find it better to aim for houses with floor coverings, light fittings and curtains. Even some furniture can be negotiated into the deal, which can be handy if you are not keen on shopping at Ikea. Ikea is the most popular Dutch furniture shop. Most young people seem to think that any trashy Ikea furniture is better than solid oak or teak furniture that lasts many lifetimes. They disparagingly refer to the latter as 'Omas' (grandmother's) furniture.
Often the bathroom and kitchen will be very basic, in which case you need to allow €15,000 or so to redo the bathroom and kitchen. Laminate is a good cheap option to replace old carpet, and should cost under €200 per bedroom to get laid (so to speak).
Double windows are an asset since they save on heating bills, and a newish boiler should entail less maintenance costs. Watch out for 'service costs' on flats in a block. The service cost can be over €200 per month, non-tax deductible, which effectively increases the mortgage cost significantly.
The notary does all the legal work and gets the relevant papers sent to the relevant authorities. The makelaar should inform you of the utility companies that were used by the previous owner, so you can call them to continue the service. The makelaar should read the meters and send these to the utility companies.
It is an easy process, so I would recommend anyone to buy a house while the prices are low. There has been little increase if any for a few years now.
Are you are looking for a Maastricht house for rent.
But buying a house is one thing that is easy.
The main factor that greases the wheels is that everyone involved makes money out of the transaction so they are motivated to make it happen.
All you need to do is choose the house. This is fairly simple by searching on Funda.nl. You can specify your price range and postcode, number of rooms and various other options to limit the search. There are a few house related words to learn such as slaapkamer (bedroom), woonkamer (living room), zolder (attic), trap (stairs), badkamer (bathroom), tuin (garden).
You can also get the latest houses that are listed for sale sent to your email, via another website, iblue.nl.
When you see a house you like, simply call the makelaar (real estate agent) and the wheels will be set in motion. The makelaar always knows a mortgage (hypotheek) advisor. They are a fairly generic breed, like tax agents, but there are a few sharks. You need to choose the type of mortgage, usually half interest only and half investment loan, where part of the payment goes into a savings account. A five or ten year fixed interest term is also an option, but some say the variable rate always works out best.
You generally lose up to 1% of the cost of the house as a fee that is shared by the bank and the mortgage advisor. You can sometimes trim this down to 0.5% or so by bargaining or dealing direct with a bank. Other costs are 6% stamp duty, and the notary fee, which should be about €1500. You need to call a few notaries to get a decent price. The total extra costs should be about 8%.
One ludicrous feature of the Dutch market is that makelaars sell their services as a 'buying agent', to hunt down the property of your dreams, inspect the faults and negotiate the price. For this service they take another fat 1%. This custom must have evolved pre-internet, because now you would need to be chronically lazy or technically retarded to pay 2000+ euros for someone to search on Funda for you.
Selling agents are in my experience fairly honest and straightforward, unlike their counterparts in Australia and UK. Perhaps in keeping with the Dutch ideal of minimalist service, they don't really try to sell you the house, but just show up for appointments to show you houses and then wait for you to call. In this case there is a lot to be said for Dutch service. It seems they are not hungry, since they rarely work after 5 PM or on weekends. This can make it hard to inspect houses if you also work 9 to 5.
Bargaining the price is simply a matter of making a low starting offer. The sale price will invariably settle somewhere near the middle of the asking price and your first offer. There are usually about six or 8 offers and counter offers. A ten percent discount off the advertised price is normal. It helps to check the price of similar houses in the neighbourhood.
You need to supply your latest three payslips, or if you are not a permanent employee you need to show 3 years of tax declarations ('aangiftes') which shows all the details submitted for your tax return. The mortgage advisor should get the mortgage approved within about 5 weeks.
Interest rates vary between the numerous lending organisations, and some have fees for ending the mortgage when you sell the house, or bigger commissions for the agent, or a monthly 'service cost' on the mortgage, which effectively changes the rate significantly, so you need to ask the agent about all these. The mortgage insurance is another area where the mortgage advisor will rip you off if he can, so ask how much of that insurance he gets.
Most houses in Holland are 'one in a row', something like a terrace house in Australia or UK. They are usually 3 floors, with the attic often unrenovated and used as a storage area. Some have dormer windows (dakkapels) in the attic, which increases the size of the liveable space. I have two dakkapels in my current attic, enough room for a table tennis table, which was lowered by crane when they built the windows. Impossible to remove without destroying the table.
Laminate is the most popular floor covering these days, and 'off the floor' toilets are considered so highly that house photos often include a picture proudly displaying an off the floor toilet. Most houses are painted white inside, because of the generally held belief that white makes the house look bigger. This is important when you are working with houses of around 120 square meters, about half the average size of an Australian house.
Sometimes houses in Holland are sold or rented completely bare, except for the fittings that can't be prised off the wall. Even the floor coverings are sometimes removed. Unless you have strong opinions about what objects should fill a house, I find it better to aim for houses with floor coverings, light fittings and curtains. Even some furniture can be negotiated into the deal, which can be handy if you are not keen on shopping at Ikea. Ikea is the most popular Dutch furniture shop. Most young people seem to think that any trashy Ikea furniture is better than solid oak or teak furniture that lasts many lifetimes. They disparagingly refer to the latter as 'Omas' (grandmother's) furniture.
Often the bathroom and kitchen will be very basic, in which case you need to allow €15,000 or so to redo the bathroom and kitchen. Laminate is a good cheap option to replace old carpet, and should cost under €200 per bedroom to get laid (so to speak).
Double windows are an asset since they save on heating bills, and a newish boiler should entail less maintenance costs. Watch out for 'service costs' on flats in a block. The service cost can be over €200 per month, non-tax deductible, which effectively increases the mortgage cost significantly.
The notary does all the legal work and gets the relevant papers sent to the relevant authorities. The makelaar should inform you of the utility companies that were used by the previous owner, so you can call them to continue the service. The makelaar should read the meters and send these to the utility companies.
It is an easy process, so I would recommend anyone to buy a house while the prices are low. There has been little increase if any for a few years now.
Are you are looking for a Maastricht house for rent.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Great ideas in Netherlands
These are a few of the great ideas I've observed unique to Holland:
When you walk around nature areas you come across heavy wooden gates that close by gravity when you let go. The hinges are installed on an angle, so the gate opens up into the air like a Lamborghini door, so when you let go it drops back down against the fence.
Often roadside nature strips are mown but the gardeners leave a patch of grass and wildflowers to go to seed. These gardeners sew random wildflowers along roadsides, which produce a colourful tapestry in Spring.
Bike locks that encircle the back wheel and you can't remove the key unless it's locked.
Traffic lights too high to see when you park too close to the crossing. These annoying lights force you to stop well back from the intersection, or else crane your neck to see the lights change above your car. This may be considered a good idea for controlling driver behaviour at traffic lights.
People leave their jackets hanging on a rack somewhere near the front of the building, cafe or whatever. Anyone could make an easy living with a second hand jacket shop, or simply upgrade their own jacket any time for free.
Are you are looking for a Maastricht house for rent.
When you walk around nature areas you come across heavy wooden gates that close by gravity when you let go. The hinges are installed on an angle, so the gate opens up into the air like a Lamborghini door, so when you let go it drops back down against the fence.
Often roadside nature strips are mown but the gardeners leave a patch of grass and wildflowers to go to seed. These gardeners sew random wildflowers along roadsides, which produce a colourful tapestry in Spring.
Bike locks that encircle the back wheel and you can't remove the key unless it's locked.
Traffic lights too high to see when you park too close to the crossing. These annoying lights force you to stop well back from the intersection, or else crane your neck to see the lights change above your car. This may be considered a good idea for controlling driver behaviour at traffic lights.
People leave their jackets hanging on a rack somewhere near the front of the building, cafe or whatever. Anyone could make an easy living with a second hand jacket shop, or simply upgrade their own jacket any time for free.
Are you are looking for a Maastricht house for rent.
Annoying language
I notice when I come back to Holland from a holiday, riding home on the train from Schiphol, a rising irritation from the sound of all the Dutch voices around me.
Not just the deep gravelly women's voices, or the gutteral 'g' sound, but also the expressions that get repeated ad nauseum.
In Holland when someone enters a room, or a carriage, or any place where they want to get attention or appear to be important, they utter a long and loud 'Zo!'. Utterly meaningless of course, except to say 'I am self-important and crave attention'.
When the Dutch are bored or wish to express something like 'same old same old' they'll murmur 'heh heh' with the two sounds a descending diminished 5th apart. The diminished 5th (or augmented 4th) is considered one of the ugliest musical intervals, only used in modern dissonant compositions. So it tends to grate on the ear.
When they are surprised they exclaim something that sounds like 'shoonger yoonger', apparently also meaningless, but annoyingly popular.
A disconcerting aspect of the Dutch is that you can often hear the F word on the radio or hear an otherwise civilised looking woman say 'Shit!' when she drops something, uttered as casually as 'Oops' in English.
If you phone a utility company in Holland within 2 hours of noon, you will be greeted with 'Goodahhhhhhhhhhhhhh'. The 'ah' will go on for several seconds while they decide on the next word. The aaah sound will then evolve into 'morgen' or 'middag', for 'morning' or 'afternoon'. Sometimes I like to use the same technique, and test how long I can sustain the ah sound without being interrupted.
The Dutch (and French) also use that ah sound to keep control in a conversation. When they can't think of the right word they will utter a long and continuous ah sound which deters anyone from interrupting. I've heard that it can be a problem when they are vacuuming or using a hair dryer - if the said item is not working, they may not realize for quite some time.
Alas it's not only the Dutch who induce this irritation in the ears of a sensitive person. Any automatically repeated word or phrase can be nauseating if repeated often enough. Once on the bus from Luton airport to the station a group of Americans were chatting, and about every 3rd or 4th word was 'like'.
"My friend was like 'Hi Madison'. So I was like 'Hi Brianna what would you like?'. She was like 'I'd like a Coke!', and I was like 'But that's not like legal in Holland'." By the 50th 'like' I had a sickening dread of the next 'like'.
More recently I was somehow trapped into watching Jersey Shore, a hit show on MTV. This group of eloquent intellectuals endlessly repeat the phrase 'Oh my God', until you cringe, waiting for the next occurrence. Often it's many times in succession in a high voice: "Oh my God oh my God oh my God!" Sometimes very slowly, for extra dramatic effect: "Ohhhhhhhhhh myyyyyyy...."... as if to leave you breathlessly wondering what the next word will be.
Apart from these brainless repetitions, Americans are prone to basic errors ingrained in their collective psyche, such as 'nucular' instead of 'nuclear', which even presidents like George Bush use. Somehow a 'd' becomes a 't' for American commentators: 'secont' instead of 'second', and 'Wimbleton' instead of 'Wimbledon'.
These mistakes are about as palatable to the ear as the lower class English accent, which fillets out all the T sounds from a sentence, except at the start of words. Possibly the utterance of a T would reveal some shameful pretensions of snobbery. "I''s be''er if we ea' da bu''er on da table, no' on da floor!".
On the other hand the English upper class will not deign to pronounce the 'R' sound, as if it were frightfully infradig and would expose a black peasant in the lineage.
Then there are the fashionable English words, which change frequently. No English youth would be cool without saying 'massive', 'random', 'chill' or more recently 'lush' in each sentence. Even the otherwise innocent 'well' becomes a grating adjective when misused, as in 'I was well hungry', instead of 'very hungry'.
Somehow 'shite' took the place of 'shit', as if it is more acceptable or less rude. I think people can guess what the root word was, so it is a thin dishuise. I don't know if they say 'I need to do a shite now'.
Most annoying is the Brit usage of 'obviously' as a filler. Each sentence will be peppered with 'obviously', even when they are explaining something highly complex and not at all obvious. I like to interrupt to inform them that "It's not obvious to me!"
And of course the omnipresent 'literally', as if that big word gives extra thrust to their statement. "I was literally cleaning my teeth when I noticed some were literally missing!'
Australians also have their annoying expressions. A friend from Australia recently stayed for a few days, and after he heard me tease another friend about some word he overused, the Australian said "I suppose even I might have such pet words". I asked if he seriously didn't know what his were, and he claimed he didn't. In every sentence he included 'sort of' and 'kind of' at least two or three times, often twice in succession.
A funny Australian filler 'and that' is used instead of 'etc'. Aussies will say 'I was cleaning the car and that, when I found some money and that under the seat'. The post-match cricket captain interview goes something like this: "Yes we lost so we've sort of got to put our heads down and that, so we can sort of do better in the next match".
There are numerous 'business' words and expressions that office workers hear on CNN and adopt for frequent use in order to sound more professional. A typical sentence in a business meeting goes something like this:
"Again, let's touch base off-line so before actioning you can double-check the data landscape on the ground and give us a heads-up at close of play, because as I say, the bottom line is our mindset has to think outside the box so going forward we can be on the same page at the end of the day, then we can baseline the downstream impact to achieve closure in the current marketplace."
Brits like to use 'absolutely' instead of 'yes' to answer questions. The first time it sounds authoritative, but when it's repeated compulsively you realise the speaker has no more authority than a parrot.
This is the thing that makes language misuse so repulsive: the mechanicality of it. Parrots hear something and repeat it, and humans do the same, with some filtering, depending on whom they hear it from and whom they are trying to impress. Is it fear of being true to ourselves, of consistently being one person that stops us from creating sentences?
It seems we feel the need to adjust our accent, words and pronunciation to be more acceptable to the listener, rather than to be better understood.
Often I've overheard an expat with the merest hint of Australian accent, but when I ask if they are Australian they immediately adopt the roughest yobbo accent you would hear in the outback.
It's such a strong fear that we automatically adopt an artificial personality at the drop of a hat, thereby giving up our truer self, selling our soul for a pittance.
Not just the deep gravelly women's voices, or the gutteral 'g' sound, but also the expressions that get repeated ad nauseum.
In Holland when someone enters a room, or a carriage, or any place where they want to get attention or appear to be important, they utter a long and loud 'Zo!'. Utterly meaningless of course, except to say 'I am self-important and crave attention'.
When the Dutch are bored or wish to express something like 'same old same old' they'll murmur 'heh heh' with the two sounds a descending diminished 5th apart. The diminished 5th (or augmented 4th) is considered one of the ugliest musical intervals, only used in modern dissonant compositions. So it tends to grate on the ear.
When they are surprised they exclaim something that sounds like 'shoonger yoonger', apparently also meaningless, but annoyingly popular.
A disconcerting aspect of the Dutch is that you can often hear the F word on the radio or hear an otherwise civilised looking woman say 'Shit!' when she drops something, uttered as casually as 'Oops' in English.
If you phone a utility company in Holland within 2 hours of noon, you will be greeted with 'Goodahhhhhhhhhhhhhh'. The 'ah' will go on for several seconds while they decide on the next word. The aaah sound will then evolve into 'morgen' or 'middag', for 'morning' or 'afternoon'. Sometimes I like to use the same technique, and test how long I can sustain the ah sound without being interrupted.
The Dutch (and French) also use that ah sound to keep control in a conversation. When they can't think of the right word they will utter a long and continuous ah sound which deters anyone from interrupting. I've heard that it can be a problem when they are vacuuming or using a hair dryer - if the said item is not working, they may not realize for quite some time.
Alas it's not only the Dutch who induce this irritation in the ears of a sensitive person. Any automatically repeated word or phrase can be nauseating if repeated often enough. Once on the bus from Luton airport to the station a group of Americans were chatting, and about every 3rd or 4th word was 'like'.
"My friend was like 'Hi Madison'. So I was like 'Hi Brianna what would you like?'. She was like 'I'd like a Coke!', and I was like 'But that's not like legal in Holland'." By the 50th 'like' I had a sickening dread of the next 'like'.
More recently I was somehow trapped into watching Jersey Shore, a hit show on MTV. This group of eloquent intellectuals endlessly repeat the phrase 'Oh my God', until you cringe, waiting for the next occurrence. Often it's many times in succession in a high voice: "Oh my God oh my God oh my God!" Sometimes very slowly, for extra dramatic effect: "Ohhhhhhhhhh myyyyyyy...."... as if to leave you breathlessly wondering what the next word will be.
Apart from these brainless repetitions, Americans are prone to basic errors ingrained in their collective psyche, such as 'nucular' instead of 'nuclear', which even presidents like George Bush use. Somehow a 'd' becomes a 't' for American commentators: 'secont' instead of 'second', and 'Wimbleton' instead of 'Wimbledon'.
These mistakes are about as palatable to the ear as the lower class English accent, which fillets out all the T sounds from a sentence, except at the start of words. Possibly the utterance of a T would reveal some shameful pretensions of snobbery. "I''s be''er if we ea' da bu''er on da table, no' on da floor!".
On the other hand the English upper class will not deign to pronounce the 'R' sound, as if it were frightfully infradig and would expose a black peasant in the lineage.
Then there are the fashionable English words, which change frequently. No English youth would be cool without saying 'massive', 'random', 'chill' or more recently 'lush' in each sentence. Even the otherwise innocent 'well' becomes a grating adjective when misused, as in 'I was well hungry', instead of 'very hungry'.
Somehow 'shite' took the place of 'shit', as if it is more acceptable or less rude. I think people can guess what the root word was, so it is a thin dishuise. I don't know if they say 'I need to do a shite now'.
Most annoying is the Brit usage of 'obviously' as a filler. Each sentence will be peppered with 'obviously', even when they are explaining something highly complex and not at all obvious. I like to interrupt to inform them that "It's not obvious to me!"
And of course the omnipresent 'literally', as if that big word gives extra thrust to their statement. "I was literally cleaning my teeth when I noticed some were literally missing!'
Australians also have their annoying expressions. A friend from Australia recently stayed for a few days, and after he heard me tease another friend about some word he overused, the Australian said "I suppose even I might have such pet words". I asked if he seriously didn't know what his were, and he claimed he didn't. In every sentence he included 'sort of' and 'kind of' at least two or three times, often twice in succession.
A funny Australian filler 'and that' is used instead of 'etc'. Aussies will say 'I was cleaning the car and that, when I found some money and that under the seat'. The post-match cricket captain interview goes something like this: "Yes we lost so we've sort of got to put our heads down and that, so we can sort of do better in the next match".
There are numerous 'business' words and expressions that office workers hear on CNN and adopt for frequent use in order to sound more professional. A typical sentence in a business meeting goes something like this:
"Again, let's touch base off-line so before actioning you can double-check the data landscape on the ground and give us a heads-up at close of play, because as I say, the bottom line is our mindset has to think outside the box so going forward we can be on the same page at the end of the day, then we can baseline the downstream impact to achieve closure in the current marketplace."
Brits like to use 'absolutely' instead of 'yes' to answer questions. The first time it sounds authoritative, but when it's repeated compulsively you realise the speaker has no more authority than a parrot.
This is the thing that makes language misuse so repulsive: the mechanicality of it. Parrots hear something and repeat it, and humans do the same, with some filtering, depending on whom they hear it from and whom they are trying to impress. Is it fear of being true to ourselves, of consistently being one person that stops us from creating sentences?
It seems we feel the need to adjust our accent, words and pronunciation to be more acceptable to the listener, rather than to be better understood.
Often I've overheard an expat with the merest hint of Australian accent, but when I ask if they are Australian they immediately adopt the roughest yobbo accent you would hear in the outback.
It's such a strong fear that we automatically adopt an artificial personality at the drop of a hat, thereby giving up our truer self, selling our soul for a pittance.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Bulgarian gangsters
Just returned from a holiday in Bulgaria. Like on my previous visit, I saw the rulers of this poor country are still the gangsters.
Surprising, because each time I asked a local about the gangsters, they deny their existence, claiming they are respectable suit and tie businessmen now, or that they have all moved to France.
Bulgarians have apparently been trained by the media and government. Not surprising since so much money is involved - hundreds of millions of Euro in EU grants can be withheld if the EU considers corruption to be still rife.
But it doesn't take great powers of observation to see who is still in charge.
We happened upon a big meeting in Sunny Beach one night, with about 12 flash black cars, parked wherever they felt like, blocking the road, with big thuggish-looking 'drivers' hanging around, guarding the area. There was a Bentley, a Lamborghini, several Mercedes and Porsche Cayennes.
After hanging around for some time, ostensibly eating kebabs, the bosses came out, also brutes with a killer glance to freeze your blood and somehow induce you to automatically look away.
It seems that the previously frequent killings have stopped. Probably due to advice from the government that the EU millions would be lost if better methods of gang warfare are not adopted. Nowadays enemies quietly disappear, instead of being publicly machine-gunned with their bodyguards in cafes and bars, as was the custom a mere few years back.
The country is composed of very poor people who work for a pittance, 10 euro a week or so, while the super-rich gangsters drive black luxury cars and live the good life. Why black? Maybe because pink would be too conspicuous. A middle class seems to be lacking. It's like the old feudal lords reaping the profits while the vassals and serfs do the work.
What a dire mistake it would be to let Bulgaria join the EU. Like inviting Somalia! The cities are squalid, the people are desperately poor except for the gangsters ruling the country. Opening the EU gates would invite a flood of poor and hungry people, while the gangsters would relish the newly opened market for guns, drugs, prostitutes and whatever else is illegal.
Are you are looking for a Maastricht house for rent?
Surprising, because each time I asked a local about the gangsters, they deny their existence, claiming they are respectable suit and tie businessmen now, or that they have all moved to France.
Bulgarians have apparently been trained by the media and government. Not surprising since so much money is involved - hundreds of millions of Euro in EU grants can be withheld if the EU considers corruption to be still rife.
But it doesn't take great powers of observation to see who is still in charge.
We happened upon a big meeting in Sunny Beach one night, with about 12 flash black cars, parked wherever they felt like, blocking the road, with big thuggish-looking 'drivers' hanging around, guarding the area. There was a Bentley, a Lamborghini, several Mercedes and Porsche Cayennes.
After hanging around for some time, ostensibly eating kebabs, the bosses came out, also brutes with a killer glance to freeze your blood and somehow induce you to automatically look away.
It seems that the previously frequent killings have stopped. Probably due to advice from the government that the EU millions would be lost if better methods of gang warfare are not adopted. Nowadays enemies quietly disappear, instead of being publicly machine-gunned with their bodyguards in cafes and bars, as was the custom a mere few years back.
The country is composed of very poor people who work for a pittance, 10 euro a week or so, while the super-rich gangsters drive black luxury cars and live the good life. Why black? Maybe because pink would be too conspicuous. A middle class seems to be lacking. It's like the old feudal lords reaping the profits while the vassals and serfs do the work.
What a dire mistake it would be to let Bulgaria join the EU. Like inviting Somalia! The cities are squalid, the people are desperately poor except for the gangsters ruling the country. Opening the EU gates would invite a flood of poor and hungry people, while the gangsters would relish the newly opened market for guns, drugs, prostitutes and whatever else is illegal.
Are you are looking for a Maastricht house for rent?
Uncooperative Dutch
A striking aspect of the Netherlands is the lack of cooperation and unwillingness to take responsibility.
At a company I recently worked for called Atradius, a major IT project I worked on was continually stalled by managers whose only aim was to offload work onto another department, even though our IT department could easily and efficiently do the work. Despite my best efforts to simply do the work and overcome the politics, the project just dragged on for years and has probably been canned by now.
I confronted my local Connexion bus driver about why his bus leaves the station two minutes before the train from Amsterdam arrives. I told him they should fix the timetable. He replied that the train comes too late and NS should fix THEIR timetable. 'Disconnexion' might be a better name for their company.
It seems that customers are too patient and long-suffering in Holland. Am I the only person to suggest that buses and trains could connect?
It further seems that people are not willing or motivated to stand up and take responsibility for changing their world. Perhaps they are not rewarded in their youth so it is not considered a commendable ting to be te force for change. Maybe the quest to be 'normale' is the overriding factor that subsumes any aspirations to achieve or excel.
Are you are looking for a Maastricht house for rent?
At a company I recently worked for called Atradius, a major IT project I worked on was continually stalled by managers whose only aim was to offload work onto another department, even though our IT department could easily and efficiently do the work. Despite my best efforts to simply do the work and overcome the politics, the project just dragged on for years and has probably been canned by now.
I confronted my local Connexion bus driver about why his bus leaves the station two minutes before the train from Amsterdam arrives. I told him they should fix the timetable. He replied that the train comes too late and NS should fix THEIR timetable. 'Disconnexion' might be a better name for their company.
It seems that customers are too patient and long-suffering in Holland. Am I the only person to suggest that buses and trains could connect?
It further seems that people are not willing or motivated to stand up and take responsibility for changing their world. Perhaps they are not rewarded in their youth so it is not considered a commendable ting to be te force for change. Maybe the quest to be 'normale' is the overriding factor that subsumes any aspirations to achieve or excel.
Are you are looking for a Maastricht house for rent?
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Cocktail sticks
You might notice in Holland that if you order a white beer - a Hoogarden or Witte beer - they will put in a slice of lemon with an upside-down plastic cocktail stick to squash the lemon.
You fish out the stick and turn it around to squash the lemon, then dry your fingers on your pants.
I've asked barpersons why they put the stick upside-down, but they invariably look dumb and say it's standard. Like a lot of things in Holland that are done because they're standard.
I got the same answer from the otherwise attractive waitress at Panama the other day, when I went to see a Lake Montgomery gig. It's the standard way, she said.
To her credit she asked the boss, and then told me he knows why.
The dishevelled Panama boss came over and explained that some years back, a woman had lifted her glass to take a drink, and the sharp end of the cocktail stick popped her eye out. She consequently sued the bar, who claimed that they had put the cocktail stick in upside down, and that she was at fault for turning it around.
Since then bars in Holland always place the cocktail stick sharp-end down.
Are you are looking for a Maastricht house for rent?
You fish out the stick and turn it around to squash the lemon, then dry your fingers on your pants.
I've asked barpersons why they put the stick upside-down, but they invariably look dumb and say it's standard. Like a lot of things in Holland that are done because they're standard.
I got the same answer from the otherwise attractive waitress at Panama the other day, when I went to see a Lake Montgomery gig. It's the standard way, she said.
To her credit she asked the boss, and then told me he knows why.
The dishevelled Panama boss came over and explained that some years back, a woman had lifted her glass to take a drink, and the sharp end of the cocktail stick popped her eye out. She consequently sued the bar, who claimed that they had put the cocktail stick in upside down, and that she was at fault for turning it around.
Since then bars in Holland always place the cocktail stick sharp-end down.
Are you are looking for a Maastricht house for rent?
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