Bums and Beggars

I just went to the local supermarket here in South Beach Miami to get some milk and orange juice - big 2 liter bottles of course, nothing smaller here. As I left the shop some bum muttered 'lend me a dollar?' I mumbled 'no' and kept walking. He seemed to be complaining as I continued, 'It's only a dollar!' Actually it wasn't the size of the loan that stopped me from donating. It was the word 'lend'. Next time I'll ask him if he knows what 'lend' means. This place is full of Cubans, other latinos, and Americans, so I don't expect any of them to understand English properly. But I would be a lot happier if these ubiquitous beggars would frame their requests in a more honest fashion. "Give me a dollar please", or "Could I permanently borrow a dollar", or "Lend me a dollar and I'll pay you back if I win the lottery". At least they could inject a little humor into their cadging. That way they would be giving something back, rather than just taking. I don't think a beggar has earned his dollar if he just blandly asks for it with the lie that it's a loan, and then harasses me for not obliging. My friend Marc in Amsterdam was approached by a well dressed businessman in his local car park. The man asked for a Euro for a phone call, because his car wouldn't start. Marc happily handed over a Euro. Then he told me how upset he was when the same man, dressed the same, asked him the same question a week later! He shouted at the man to go away. I thought how strange, to be happy to hand over a euro to someone who seems to be a well-to-do businessman, but angry to find that the money went to a beggar. Giving to a kinsman seems worthwhile, but not to a lower form of life. Or maybe just the deception riled him. A direct and honest request might indeed be better, "Please give me a euro because then I'll have 13 in my pocket, so I'll be able to buy a gram of finest Afghani hash when I get to 15." I saw someone with that approach in Miami actually, with a sign saying 'please donate beer money'. Or even better they could do something entertaining or amusing for their dollar. When I was at high school a Canadian kid and his agent used to gather a crowd at lunchtime, and then charge each spectator 20c to watch him eat a worm or a frog or some other disgusting snack. A 'geek' was the old term for such an entertainer. That may not be everyone's cup of tea, but something amusing or entertaining is at least a return on investment. The beggar could simply stand with a cup and a sign that says "Give me a dollar and I'll dance". Similar to those human statues hanging around every tourist spot that move when you drop a coin in their cup, but without the costume. I'm sure people would be curious to see how the beggar dances in his unconcealed glory. That would be a far healthier way of life than lying on the footpath trying to assume the appearance of a broken down person. Such physical postures create the very state they imitate - if you slump in a posture of hopeless despair you will surely feel that way after a few hours, even if you're perfectly happy now. Try it. After a few years of repetition the whole person becomes the epitome of despair. A basic dance can be very amusing, entertaining, and sometimes embarrassing. Once at Southbank in London I watched someone looking very professional in a colorful stage setting by the Thames, wearing a top hat and full costume, doing a silly take-off of rap singing in a toffy voice. To his extreme chagrin he was completely upstaged by an apparently retarded person dancing right in front of him. It was very funny and uncomfortable to watch, so the audience was transfixed on the interloper rather than the main act. I have often thought it could be lucrative to set up in front of a musician busker. Put the hat on the ground, and dance to the music. The musician might resent you for stealing his thunder, and takings, but the footpath is public property. Even the worst dancer can be very entertaining if he is embarrassing enough. The films Borat and Bruno were so funny partly because they are so uncomfortable to watch. In summary, if someone makes me laugh then I think he has earned his dollar. So why don't these lazy beggars come up with some funny one-liners that would extract a laugh - and a coin - from their victims? "Hey buddy I need to go to the toilet, can you give me 50c? Or give me 2 dollars and for delivery to the place of your choice."